When the soul wants to experience something she throws out an image in front of her and steps into it.

–Meister Eckhart

There couldn’t be a more perfect quote to describe what has become a daily routine.

Every morning I shave to something approaching feminine smooth, spread moisturizing cream across my face, select clothing, jewelry, hair accessories and lipstick. When I am satisfied with my look, I sit at my studio desk and search for images of women on Mastodon, Deviant Art and Fashion websites. Fashion images, makeup images, portrait images, erotic images. I install these images on the daily page of my journal in a Feminine Mystique section set up to receive them, my virtual alter to the Divine Feminine. I take a few selfies and save my look to the journal too. Here is my look the day I started writing this post…

Here’s a grid of recent looks…

I spend hours scouring online catalogs of women’s clothing for feminine looks I can emulate and women’s clothing I can wear. I am getting good at knowing what will look good on me and what won’t. Here are some dresses I am currently considering…

A dramatic statement, I know, but I love it and I think my large frame would be able to cary it off.

This has been on my list for a while. I haven’t pulled the trigger yet, but may soon.

I like the bold print here.

This one may be a little too “girly” for me.

This one might be a little too slouchy, but then again, maybe not. It has a subtle weave texture pattern that I like.

When new clothing arrives, I test drive my outfits at my favorite local coffee shop, where the baristas are young, hip and tolerant. One of the managers spotted my transition early on and has been very supportive. She usually has something positive to say about my look for the day. We compare notes on fashion, accessories and hair styles sometimes.

I began my feminine self rollout late last fall, under the cover of early morning darkness and cold weather coats. My initial steps were tentative. I wore the most feminine item of clothing I had, a cardigan sweater that was minidress length, over slim leg jeans. The lipstick I started wearing was almost the same color as my lips, easily missed.

It is spring now. Dawn comes earlier and earlier. There is no more cover of darkness. Soon I won’t need the knee length, light weight coat i have been wearing. Whatever I have chosen to wear for the day will be fully visible from a distance. I have been wearing some dresses that will be provocative to people I regularly see in the morning, or so I imagine. I prepare for this by imagining myself walking confidently down the street in all my feminine glory.

By the time I cross over a new threshold in presenting myself, I have been picturing it for months. Buying a new item of clothing is the result of hours of browsing online catalogs. I bookmark items I think I can wear, get my wife’s opinion on them, return to look at them some more. As I zero in on favorites, I imagine how I will accessorize them. Then the moment of placing my order comes. Waiting for a new dress or blouse or pair of leggings to come can be a little excruciating. When it finally arrives I immediately try it on to see if it works as well on my body as I thought it would. I try it with various accessories I have on hand. Which jewelry? What hair look? What color lipstick?

As warm weather approaches, I picture myself walking down the street in carefully assembled outfits. Wont I be beautiful! This is scary and exhilarating, as all my coming out steps have been.

Expanding the circle of friends and acquaintances who know about my feminine turn is slow going. I have to overcome my own fears of rejection and my wife needs time to acclimate herself to my changes. If I progress too fast it can freak her out, though she has coped much better than I feared she would. She now helps me shop for jewelry and reviews clothing I am considering purchasing with me.

A friend has invited us to her birthday party. She has been very supportive of my feminine turn. I told my wife that I want to attend the party in full feminine mode. A dress, jewelry and lipstick. Maybe eye shadow and mascara. There will be straight friends in attendance whom we have known for years. It will be my first coming out to that circle of friends. I tingle with the thought of it. I worry too. I worry that not everyone will be ok with this new me. I worry that my wife will feel embarrassed in front of long time friends. Still, I want feminine me to be known, loved and appreciated.